Putting Cranio on the Back-burner... Sort of

The trip to Dallas answered a lot of questions. I feel more at peace now and I know what is in store for Jesse's future. As much as I hate that he has to go through another surgery, I am still so very thankful that he won't remember any of this. He will be around 19-20 months old when he has surgery #2. And I truly believe it will be his last surgery. I have to believe that.

I've had my ups and downs. There are times when I just can't stop thinking about the what if's. January has been hard because if I would have chosen differently, Jesse would just now be getting through his first surgery. And I still believe that a different surgical technique would have worked for him. That he really could have been in the "one and done" crowd.

Logically, I know I could not have known what the outcome would be. No one could. I did all my homework and researched all the surgeons in the region and made my decision based on experience. I felt the choice I made was with the surgeon with the most experience. I also chose to stay local. I knew it would be easier for everyone, including Jesse. I just couldn't imagine at the time making him fly on a plane after major surgery for 5 hours. It just didn't seem like the best thing to do.

But the mom in me can't help but think that I could have... that I should have... made a different choice. The fact that my choice is most likely the reason why he has to go through this all over again is a hard pill to swallow. I really do know that I couldn't have known... but I also know that all you momma's out there understand why these thoughts pop into my head on occasion.

Overall the trip to Dallas has been a relief. Before Dallas, I was obsessed with cranio. I thought about it 24/7. Now, I am able to push it to the back of my mind more often than not. I still visit the CranioKids support forums and still try to offer support to others, so I still think about cranio on a daily basis, but it is not affecting me in the way that it was before. I know that will change as time passes. I'm sure when July comes around and it is time to schedule surgery that I'll be right back to my obsessive self again. But for now, I'm enjoying the reprieve... and my little man.