Doubt

In some ways facing a second surgery is easier. I know what to expect. I know that Jesse will recover quickly and amaze me with his strength all over again. But in most ways, it is so much harder.

When I found out that Jesse would need surgery the first time, I had my doubts on occasion. Sometimes I would look at him and I just couldn't believe that something was so terribly wrong. He was, and still is, so stinkin' cute. How could anything possibly be so wrong that he would require reconstructive surgery? But when I let my emotions move over, I knew that he needed surgery. It was obvious every time I looked at the top of his head and saw that triangular forehead. There was no choice and he definitely needed it.

Now it's harder. Now I look at him and have those same familiar feelings of doubt. But this time no amount of rational thinking can make those doubts go away. It's not so obvious this time.

Am I doing the right thing? Is it bad enough to warrant another surgery? What if we don't do it?

So I look at photos of other babies. Some that haven't had surgery yet and some that have. I see many of the same metopic characteristics that Jesse has now in some of those pre-surgery photos. But I've only found one photo of another metopic baby that looks similar to the way that Jesse does now. And that little one had to endure a second surgery.

I analyze and compare and try to think rationally. I try to use logic when emotion over powers me. I try to think about all this scientifically so that I can know that I'm doing the right thing.

But at the end of the day I can only follow my intuition, which has been right every time when it comes to Jesse.

When I was pregnant with Jesse, I had a feeling that something was wrong. There were a couple things that I had a feeling about. One was something was terribly wrong... something that could really hurt him. The other was that over the course of the pregnancy as I saw his head shape change, I felt that something was wrong with his head. Well, we all know what was wrong with his head. But I was right about that other feeling too.

After he was born the OB told me that he had a velamentous cord insertion. This is something that should have been caught on the ultrasound, but it was not. It's an abnormal insertion of the cord into the placenta. Half of the babies with this condition die before or during birth because the cord ruptures. Thank God Jesse beat the odds on that, especially since I was induced due to preeclampsia. If they would have known about this, it would have been an automatic c-section and induction would have never been attempted.

So I've learned that mother's intuition is a very powerful ally. I have felt for a very long time that Jesse would need more than one surgery. I don't know why and I can't explain it, but for now I have to trust that instinct. It has been right 100% of the time.

I have to let go of all my doubt and keep trudging forward in doing what is right for my son.